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Literature Text
I'm stuck so I came unglued.
I was angry like I've seldom been--
at my life, at myself, at you.
I'm scared to leave the place I know.
Afraid failure waits wherever I'd move.
What's my life been but failure, though?
Without confidence, it's hard to be brave.
It's hard to leap without faith
or move on when I'd rather cave.
How do I start my life anew?
So much of what I knew was wrong.
What I'd built my life upon was untrue.
So I sit now amongst the shards
of my broken identity.
But I don't have a clue which pieces are false
and which of these shards,
shimmering,
are me.
I was angry like I've seldom been--
at my life, at myself, at you.
I'm scared to leave the place I know.
Afraid failure waits wherever I'd move.
What's my life been but failure, though?
Without confidence, it's hard to be brave.
It's hard to leap without faith
or move on when I'd rather cave.
How do I start my life anew?
So much of what I knew was wrong.
What I'd built my life upon was untrue.
So I sit now amongst the shards
of my broken identity.
But I don't have a clue which pieces are false
and which of these shards,
shimmering,
are me.
Overdue edit: changed the 3rd stanza's 3rd line (shortened). Extended the final stanza.
Reason: Hoping to adapt it to a song, so I felt the poem needed a little brushing up.
Not much to say about this one. I suppose it continues a theme I've had going for a while now. One of these days I'll write something happy and uplifting.
For
:
Are their consistency issues from one stanza to the next, or within stanzas?
Does the admittedly loose rhyme scheme work, or does it need to be improved upon?
And here is my critique [link]
Thanks!
Reason: Hoping to adapt it to a song, so I felt the poem needed a little brushing up.
Not much to say about this one. I suppose it continues a theme I've had going for a while now. One of these days I'll write something happy and uplifting.
For
:Are their consistency issues from one stanza to the next, or within stanzas?
Does the admittedly loose rhyme scheme work, or does it need to be improved upon?
And here is my critique [link]
Thanks!
© 2011 - 2024 VulpesFulva
Comments17
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Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactFirstly, in my opinion, consistency shouldn't matter here, as the rhyme scheme's loose, so the stanzas should be. In stanza 3, last line, I'd move "moving on when I'd rather cave" into a stanza of its own. Simply to give it more impact. It's a bold statement, make it stand out. I'd also move lines 1 & 2 of the last verse up and merge them with the last stanza but one, and move the last line down into its own verse, splitting it:
"But I don't have a clue what is false...
And what is me..."
This I think would give it more impact. As for originality, they're your words, and a human concept, I chose to critique this because it sang to me. Your words resonated with me. Being original, your technique, your vision -what the hell's that supposed to bloody mean anyway? "Vision"? God... the only reason I am rating the categories is because I have to. They don't reflect my opinion of the work as a whole.
If you didn't have vision you wouldn't be here.
None of that matters in the face of emotional resonance, and that's entirely subjective and dependant on your feelings, and the reader's. The attempt at consistency in stanzas is the problem here, as it goes against the whole concept of honesty, and makes the words you've used feel contrived, when they're not. Be as free in the presentation of your work as you are in the inception of it, and you'll open more hearts to the feelings you're trying to express.
Oh, and, my critique may get removed on the basis of this alone, but, your "fair critique policy" dA, well, it stinks. Trying to make science out of art is a waste of time and energy. Try engaging your hearts instead of your brains.